Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Counting Down

Ten days and counting! We're off to Sea Isle City, New Jersey. Which, admittedly seems like an unlikely vacation destination, but we've been assured that it's beautiful, with lots of stuff to do. I'm told that millions of people visit the Jersey Shore every summer, and that alone should be reason enough NOT to go, but go we are. We're renting a beach house with Steve's best friend and his family and we are literally steps from the beach. We will be occupying the right half of the beach house pictured. There are four bedrooms and 3 bedrooms, which is hopefully enough room not to get on each other's nerves. Their kids are a little older than ours, but the combination of boys and girls get along like a house on fire, so we're expecting it to be a pretty great week. Look at the view from the upper deck. How could it not be awesome?!

Nancy (the other mom) and I have organized lists (we're both list makers...very alpha female...should be interesting) ranging from the number of toilet paper rolls we're bringing to the amazing menu we've planned. I've been shopping since we booked this vacation 6 weeks ago, and have amassed a pile of crap in the corner of my bedroom. Note, if you will, the box of wine in the top right corner and the bucket of marguerita mix and tequila in the lower left corner. I do have priorities, folks, and a week sharing toilets with another family, whom I have not yet farted in front of, requires lots of alcohol!

In other news (and gratuituous pictures for Gramma and Grampa), Maggie and Libby have had their hair cut. Since neither is very keen on doing the same thing as the other, it was a bit tricky getting them to get the same hair cut. So, I described it differently to them and exactly the same to the two stylists who did their hair. Voila! Adorable twins with equally adorable hair! I had to make them wet their hair and blow it out quickly for the picture and, while it still looks a little slept on, you can see how cute they look.
Ok, I have to get back to my shopping. I'm looking for matching, plain white tank tops for the family for our beach pictures at sunset.

Yes. I'm serious.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Noses and Stones

I think Brighid and Keith might be fucking with me. Seriously. I've been (slowly) putting together a post about Brighid's new nose and decided to add the pictures this morning. How did I not notice how ENORMOUS the files were? Each time I opened an emailed picture my computer froze. After 2 or 3 attempts, I saved each picture to my hard drive...and attempted to delete them from my email.

ATTEMPTED!

They would NOT delete, people!!

I think I could easily blame my recent computer problems on Brighid's nose. Or pictures of Brighid's nose. I bet it's the up-the-snout shots she sent. I bet if I made a big enough stink (no pun intended), they'd have to replace my computer. One with a bigger memory. And a giant flat screen monitor.

I'll work on that.

But in the meantime, medical updates on my siblings.

First, the new nose. I was actually sent a before picture featuring Brighid's head tilting back and a full view of the deviated septum, but I thought I'd spare you the visual (and it's one I accidentally deleted before I copied it to My Pictures). Imagine, if you will, Brighid's head tilted back like a pez dispenser, with a pink jelly bean shoved up one nostril, almost completely blocking the air passage. That's what it looked like. Oh, never mind, I did save it. See the jelly bean? Kinda gross, eh? Anyway, as you may or may not remember, she was offered a free nose job to shave down a couple of inherited bumps and bulges while on the gurney prepping for the surgery. As this was not anticipated, she didn't take too many side before shots (thank God...I don't think my Fred Flintstone computer could take it!). Anyway, the surgery went well...no problems and the surgeon was very satisfied with his work.
The week after surgery sounded like a little slice of hell as she had thingies jammed up her nose and had to ritualistically suction or drain or something or another every few hours(and Mom, who says she can't physically breath through her mouth, claims she would have died). This is 2 days post surgery and doesn't she look like she's having fun? No shower, no taste buds, no sleep. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
But it was all worth it! After having the stints removed and an industrial strength vacuum cleaner shoved up there to remove a week's worth of gunk, she is breathing like a regular person now (sans pink jelly bean) and looks beautiful.
Ok, so from Dr. 90210 to Dr. Wee-Wee. Last I spoke with Justin, he had yet to pass his giant kidney stone. The urologist could apparently see it floating about the kidney, probably picking up calcium chicks before it's journey. His immediate pain was over, but can you imagine the anticipation of still having to pass it? Every time you go to the bathroom you wonder "is this the pee that sends me crashing to the floor while a ball of razor blades makes it's way to the porcelain pool?". I think I'd be constantly drunk. Or, at the very least, sedated.

Katy is up here visiting Tami's parents, so Justin and Tami went away this weekend (some romantical weekend shit), so I have not yet heard if he left any shiny little trinkets behind. He apparently also had to tinkle in a gallon jug for a day to see if they could figure out why he gets these things (my guess is the Dos Equis)(and I had to do that once and all I remember is that some preservative stuff in the jug smoked every time I made a liquid deposit...very freaky). Anyway, maybe Justin will send a picture of the stone when it's out. Stay tuned.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The Looooong Weekend

What a great weekend! It started last Wednesday, when my old neighbor offered to share her "Fancy Nails" gift certificate with me. And, knowing that I would probably regret getting fake nails again, that's exactly what I did. Now I am sporting some really fancy nails...and have had to retype almost every word so far because my fancy nails are all clickety-clacking the wrong damn keys.

Sigh. The price I must pay for beauty.

Anyway, Levy was our nail technician and hails from Vietnam, where I'm sure he was probably a micro biologist or some such shit, but now he gives morons like me fancy nails. My neighbor went first and she made all the usual small talk with Levy...married, kids, blah, blah, blah. All of a sudden Levy got up to go into the back room and she whips her head around and says, "He keeps looking at my boobs!". I lean over and see that her tank top is swooping a little low and since she's midway through her fancy nails and can't take care of business, I adjust the neckline for her. A minute later, Levy emerged from the back room with two giant glasses of wine! For us! Before she could say another word, I readjusted my neighbor's top back down for Levy's cheap thrills...and to ensure us a second glass.

'Cuz that's how I roll.

Oh, before I forget. I noted on the price list at Fancy Nails that I can get a full back waxing for only $40! Imagine that?! I could also get a full bikini wax for $35, but it's going to take a lot more than a glass of cheap chablis for me to show Levy my vajayjay.

Thursday night (the 3rd) found us at our new neighbor's cottage on Conesus Lake (the lesson so far is to always be nice to your neighbors) for the Ring of Fire, which was just magical and spectacular. Conesus is one of the Finger Lakes and is small enough (8 miles long, but skinny) that you can see the other side, but big enough to spend the day floating in your giant cigarette boat if you so desired(or canoe if you're poor like me). As is the 3rd of July tradition, as soon as the sun set, the fireworks started. Not the cheapy ones we buy in Pennsylvania to keep Jack happy, but BIG ones...loud and bursting with color. Coming over the lake from all angles. A short while later, we started to see flares being light at precise intervals along the front of each property...and all of sudden...it's there. The ring of fire. This picture from Wikipedia doesn't do it justice because only a few flares are lit and they're out of focus, but it's enough to get an idea of how awe inspiring it is to sit on the dock and have this light display just emerge from the darkness. Very, very cool!

We spent the 4th just loafing around the house, reading on the deck while the kids floated in the hot tub (God, we need a pool!). Steve was (is) building his man cave in the basement, so by the time we left to have dinner with his grandmother that night, he was already beat. After dinner, the kids and I braved the crowds and went to see the "real" fireworks. And I may, or may not, have set a bad example for those sweet little cherubs and lied to some pimply faced teenager about my participation in the fire department to secure a PERFECT parking spot in a prime location..but...it saved me at least 20 minutes of walking, which translates into 40 minutes of whining, so it's all good. The fireworks were spectacular and no one whined a bit...least of all, me.

Saturday was the perfect day to spend at the beach, so we loaded the crew up again and headed to Fairhaven. Interestingly enough, every time we go there we see girls (and women) wearing those modesty bathing suits. See how happy they look? Not like me, sitting there in my pricey Nike bikini, sucking in my gut and praying that I don't look like a chubby two bit whore. I was wearing swim shorts over the skimpy bottoms, mind you...I do have standards (as does Steve...I think he quite admires those modesty suits). Anyway, we sunned, swammed, ate and fished until we ran out of money and patience.

Finally (God this is getting long, eh?) this brings me up to date, as yesterday was a day for grocery shopping and vacation shopping (you should see all the piles of crap on my bedroom floor...it's so exciting...and sooooo neurotic). We capped off the holiday long weekend with a couple of cocktails with the neighbors on each side of us last night and stumbled to bed at a fairly decent hour. The perfect end to a great weekend!

Whew!

Up next...medical updates. Brighid is sporting a new nose and Justin is trying to pass a marble sized kidney stone. Who do you think is having more fun?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Cliff Notes

Things I HAVE been doing:
*Working (a lot and ineffectively!).
*Taking care of children...my own and others.
*Drinking too much wine.
*Dieting.
*Planning a vacation.
*Working on a healthy tan (YES..they exist..SPF 8 people!).
*Paying $822 to have ONE tooth removed from Vinnie's skull (his own)(skull and tooth).

Things I have NOT been doing:
*Making money.
*Losing weight.
*Blogging (no shit, Sherlock).
*Sunning my face (my mother's voice echoes in my head).
*Brushing Vinnie's fucking teeth.
*Saving money for our vacation.

Things I must STOP doing:
*Reading Perez Hilton AND trying to sell software to people who are clearly bright enough to come looking for it if they needed it.
*Saying yes every time someone offers me something in a glass with a stem on it.
*Spending money on bathing suits made for teenage girls with big headlights.
*Taking epsom salts to "clear the runway". Oh. My. God.

Things I NEED to do:
*Buy a new camera for my vacation.
*Find a job that doesn't involve cold calling and...um, people.
*Invent canine dentures.
*Make curtains for the office and the new dining room so my husband will get off my back about "softening the space".
*Create my very own low calorie wine

Things I LOVE:

More to come...lots more. Like why I've electively taken epsom salts (not once, but TWICE) and why removing one rotten hunk of tooth from that little rat bastard cost almost a thousand dollars (do you know how many padded bathing suits I could buy with a $1000?). And how many asshole IT people I had to talk to earn that money? Sickens me to just think about it.

And pictures. Lots of pictures. Except the kids clothes will actually match (Libby like her stripes!) and I will insist they brush their hair.

Oh, and while I'm at it, why did it take a MONTH to get 6 piddly comments about those gorgeous kids and their stunning mother? And 3 of the comments weren't even about them!

I'm back, bitches!