Thursday, November 15, 2007

Send My Regards To Perez Hilton

Having been a stay-at-home mom (sahm) for over eight years now, I have come to appreciate (deeply) the luxury of flexibility. For the most part, I've been able accomplish my goals at a pace that's suited both me and the rest of my brood. When household concerns (I didn't say 'chores', because 'chores' makes me sound too much like a hausfrau and, well, just...God forbid) aren't taken care of on any given day, I can put them on my to-do list for the next day.

Now, I don't know what it's like in the rest of the world, but mothers here are unfairly divided into camps...sahms vs. the wohms. The sahms and the wohms (work out of the home moms) are perceived to be in sharp contrast to each other and everyone seems to have an opinion as to who has it the toughest, who makes the greatest sacrifice. A debate with spirited emotions and fighting words.

A debate I do not intend to have here.

The only reason I even bring it up is to fish around for a little sympathy about my new balancing act as a wahm (work at home mom).

My new job as a phone whore is reeking havoc on the delicate balance I've worked so hard to create.

My line of work is your basic numbers game. The more phone calls I make, the more live human beings with which I'll have a conversation. Which, by the way, is turning out to be a challenge in itself. Doesn't anyone answer their phones anymore? Does EVERYONE just let their calls go to voicemail?

For the love of God, people...answer your effing phone!

Sorry...back to, well, me. The more human conversations, the more leads I can qualify and the more money I can put in my greedy paws.

I find myself sneaking down to our basement office, like a teenager after curfew, to make calls. This renewed phone addiction (I say renewed because if I didn't I'm pretty sure my dad would quickly remind me of the days my head was attached to the receiver) means there are fewer gaps in my schedule to accommodate my guilty pleasures. I used to interrupt my concerns (not chores) with the likes of Perez Hilton, online bargain hunting and blog browsing.

Now, not so much.

This was my schedule today.

7:15am - Up, shower, paint face/camouflage wrinkles.

8:00am - Cinnamon bun breakfast for offspring and daycare kid.

8:30am - Big kids on bus, breakfast dishes, get girls ready and dressed.

8:45am - Hair appt (highlights, turned out to be not nearly high enough).

10:00am - Quick stop at Tracie's for donuts (all I could think about was how many phone calls I could be making instead of sitting at her kitchen table. There is clearly something wrong with me).

10:45am - Rush home to make calls while girls visit with neighbor's grandson.

11:45am - Stop making calls, get girls home for lunch.

12:10pm - Take Libby to speech at school (promised I'd drive them instead of waiting for the bus).

12:45pm - Finally able to leave Maggie with kindergarten teacher, rush home to make calls.

2:00pm - Rush back to school for Thanksgiving party...which I forgot about, which I escaped from after muffins were served (side note..did the pilgrims eat the blueberry mini muffins? Or the native Americans?).

2:40pm - Back home, back on the phone (selling my soul to anyone who's willing to listen my enterprise document search schpiel).

3:30pm - Kids off the bus, make beds, vacuum and pick up before Steve gets home (damn, I'm good).

4:00pm - Start dinner prep.

4:20pm - Scrap dinner prep and head to Terri's for a glass of wine and homemade salsa.

5:00pm - Back in my own kitchen to make and eat dinner (steak, butternut squash, Spanish rice and salad).

5:45pm - Dishes, then back on the phone to the suckers in California.

6:45pm - Realize how unorganized my work stuff is, quick trip to Staples for binders.

7:05pm - Kids in bath.

7:30pm - Start this blog entry, only to give in and let the girls use the laptop for a quick game on Webkinz.

8:00pm - Girls brush teeth, send Steve off to read to them and tackle the bedtime shenanigans. Jack is only 30 minutes behind. Tick, tock, tick, tock.

8:05pm - Call another wine-providing neighbor with sob story about forgetting to stop at the liquor store after Staples. Borrow one large glass of Cabernet and place it safely behind the microwave, ready for my no-wine-before-nine diet policy.

8:15pm - Fold two loads of laundry from family room floor, place neatly on love seat to be put away tomorrow morning (shut it up, I said).

8:50pm - Finish blog entry.

Wow. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is more of the same, except there's half a day of school and three parent/teacher conferences.


9:25pm - Stop editing this entry before Cabernet thinks I stood it up.


Bird said...

Dear Phone Whore,

1. You MUST be a poser wine drinker. No wine in the house? Amateur.

2. I called you yesterday and the machine now only has your name on it. Did you boot the rest of the family out? Was it the pencil jamming that pushed you over the edge?

3. I just finished reading Perez about 10 mins ago and am already experiencing withdrawals because I'm sure Britney-coke-head has done something pervy that I could be reading about as I speak.

Must go, button machines need to be sent to their new loving homes.

Your sis,
The Button Wench.

Martine said...

Button Wench,

1. Shameful. Head hanging low.

2. New job. Need second phone line. Pencils locked up.

3. When my hair is pulled back (a la Britney), my new not-so-highlights looks like a weave. Is Perez hiding in my shed?

Phone Whore

Bird said...

Dear PH -

I ran out of wine Saturday. It must have been some voodoo curse you put on me.

OK, you've got the "I've got a bad weave" thing going, but you need to work on the bloated pasty white face, broken fake nails and "kids, what kids?" thing and you're a dead on Britney (Slutney). Wait, don't forget the water bottle secretly filled with ever-clear.
And the $770,000 monthyl spending sprees (with your fabulously beautiful and witty sister of course).

And yes, Perez is living in your shed. I'd advise you free him before the authorities catch on.

Well, it's a new day and we have 32 orders or shiny new button machines going out today (isn't Thanksgiving supposed to be a slow week? I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

I heart you very much. Bad weave and all.


Pieter said...

Well, I suppose it's better than the sahm old sahm old.