Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Cliff Notes

Things I HAVE been doing:
*Working (a lot and ineffectively!).
*Taking care of children...my own and others.
*Drinking too much wine.
*Dieting.
*Planning a vacation.
*Working on a healthy tan (YES..they exist..SPF 8 people!).
*Paying $822 to have ONE tooth removed from Vinnie's skull (his own)(skull and tooth).

Things I have NOT been doing:
*Making money.
*Losing weight.
*Blogging (no shit, Sherlock).
*Sunning my face (my mother's voice echoes in my head).
*Brushing Vinnie's fucking teeth.
*Saving money for our vacation.

Things I must STOP doing:
*Reading Perez Hilton AND trying to sell software to people who are clearly bright enough to come looking for it if they needed it.
*Saying yes every time someone offers me something in a glass with a stem on it.
*Spending money on bathing suits made for teenage girls with big headlights.
*Taking epsom salts to "clear the runway". Oh. My. God.

Things I NEED to do:
*Buy a new camera for my vacation.
*Find a job that doesn't involve cold calling and...um, people.
*Invent canine dentures.
*Make curtains for the office and the new dining room so my husband will get off my back about "softening the space".
*Create my very own low calorie wine

Things I LOVE:

More to come...lots more. Like why I've electively taken epsom salts (not once, but TWICE) and why removing one rotten hunk of tooth from that little rat bastard cost almost a thousand dollars (do you know how many padded bathing suits I could buy with a $1000?). And how many asshole IT people I had to talk to earn that money? Sickens me to just think about it.

And pictures. Lots of pictures. Except the kids clothes will actually match (Libby like her stripes!) and I will insist they brush their hair.

Oh, and while I'm at it, why did it take a MONTH to get 6 piddly comments about those gorgeous kids and their stunning mother? And 3 of the comments weren't even about them!

I'm back, bitches!

11 comments:

Tami said...

Ahhh... Phew! Got my fix and it's about DAMN time! AND I get to post the FIRST comment. HeeHee!I ALMOST stopped checking EVERY DAY for something new! Yes, I DO have caps lock issues...

Good read, good laughs as always.

Love you all!
Tami

Kem said...

Ok! Ok! Ok! Lovely children and luscious mother too - does that help? I think it's best that you don't get off the "lemonade" in stemmed glasses - it does wonders when your 'sprits' need raising - tanning fine - Epsom salts NOT fine - that's like using scouring powder and judging by that photo what's there to improve - looks bloody good allround to me

winks said...

And just WHO is that fabulous, scrummy, handsome, dark and luscious man in the centre of all those kids? WOW!!! I think it surely is time for me to come to visit the USofA!

(I did think that the lady in the previous photo looked far too young to have so many kids!)(And such stunning kids too!)

Em said...

Well, Halle-bloody-lujah, we have a post! Was beginning to think that you had been firewalled from your own blog. And the comeback is a goody. Yay!

Thanks for making my day.

Bird said...

There is nothing wrong with reading Perez. I just KNOW everything he says is true...
How else am I going to find out when Brangelina squeezes those kids out? That's how it's done right? Squeezing?

Epsom salts?!? I much prefer my peach/ginger green tea mixture. Keep in mind it does taste like cat pee with a little bleach thrown in for good measure. But I lost .2 of a lb in like FIVE days!

Bathing suit? I'm not even sure how to pronounce that. Ba-a-thhh... Nope, don't know that one.

Get Vinnie a gold tooth. The boy needs some crunk. Then I can call him Lil' Vinnie.

Nice pics of the kids and husband! Apparently your Aunt has an eye on Steve. When she visits you better lock her in her room at night. If you know what I mean...

Martine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Martine said...

*What was it? The swearing? The bullets I had to create myself because I don't have a clue about html or something like that? FIVE comments (caps lock is so effective, Tam) since I went to bed! Nice!

*Fishing for compliments = big head. Thank you, Kems.

*Winks, make him some curtains and he's all yours. But I get to keep his paycheck.

*Em, thanks for checking back every day and leaving comments about me and the... Oh. Nevermind.

*Bird...squeezing...yes, lots of squeezing. And fluids of all kinds. It's very juicy business.

Bird said...

What is that funny feeling in my tummy?!?

Oh I know. It's my ovaries shriveling up and dying.

Pieter said...

Is it true that when you've been to Epsom you can pass through the eye of a needle?

Martine said...

Yes, Dad. It's true. With the pressure of a commercial grade water pick.

Bird said...

Now I have to throw out my water pick. Thanks Mart!